that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
false alarm, still single
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
