Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
