He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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