I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
