I wish my penis had an off switch
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
