I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
