So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
