she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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