so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
