so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He did a backflip because drugs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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