I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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