Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
try to milk me bitch
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