Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
