I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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