After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
