I'm laying in your front yard are you home
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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