i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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