I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
