Apparently you make a good broom.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
