he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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