I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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