i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
ttyl tear gas
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize