Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
