she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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