I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
