You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
