Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
