Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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