All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
