Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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