Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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