Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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