he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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