We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
