my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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