It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
only you would photoshop your dick
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
