I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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