I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
