dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
