KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't deserve a penis
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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