I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He passed out mid-signature
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
