I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
