You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
