A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
