U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
