dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
