Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
