At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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