it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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