I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
