I'm so fucking centered right now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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