His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
