I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
