i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
sex in a hospital.. check
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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