We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
