Cold hands, warm shart.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
