we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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