I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
