come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
